Some days I feel like am just going through the motions. No real feelings. Just basic outlooks you’d expect to give anyone. I say the hellos, I smile , I converse but I ain’t really there. It’s like my soul went to bed the previous night and didn’t wake up. The body is just holding fort. If you live with so much constant pain or is it so much meds( dunno which is which) for years, you tend to lose a piece of you… a living piece of you.
Drugs start to kick in at 3am or even 9pm, depending on the cocktail the doctor recommended this time and you drift into a coma….my body is at peace at last. The only time I don’t feel anything and as the meds wear off, I know that is the alarm clock. I am awake but my eyes are shut . I feel some tingly feeling in my left leg and left shoulder but I remain still because I have refused to wake up. The thought in my head at the moment is, do I need to wake up to this? another day, another reason for my body to let me down, another day to read the usual cryptic names followed by 1*2, 2*3, 1*1 (night use only). At that moment I don’t want to open my eyes, I want to drift away. For the longest moment there I wish morning will not find me as I would have drifted off peacefully.
Damn, I need to pee.. I guess it’s time for my needs to outdo my wishes so I wake up and as I leave the bed, I realise not the whole of me woke up. My body woke up but not my will and my soul. I move around and operate like a zombie. A part of me is glad my soul is sleeping peaceful and doesn’t have to deal with all these. For such days, I won’t feel all the body aches directly, I won’t notice popping like 7 tablets as part of my breakfast and the best part is I won’t have to fight…not today at least. Just let it be.
The day flies by, asleep or up and down running errands and business and I barely notice it and at the end of the day I’m staring aimlessly at the TV, not even sure what is on………